so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
