i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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