dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
