I'm passing your future prison.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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