There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
