Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
