The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
