How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You are the jesus of drinking
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
