I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
