I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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