she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
