Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My liver just had a heart attack.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
