We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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