Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize