i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
