just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize