No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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