Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
