But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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