im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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