your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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