maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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