he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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