I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
