Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
