I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
