is your mom at the bar?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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