please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
