I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
