How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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