if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
