we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
