I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
