He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
