If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
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