girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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