Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
