everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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