Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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