THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
