dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
