I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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