You don't have asthma, your pregnant
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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