I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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