I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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