I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
