He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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