I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
