did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
