i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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