good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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