Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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