lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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