I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
