i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you win again, gameday.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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