if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
