I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize