I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
