During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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