im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
dude. I can hear the air.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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