on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
