I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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