I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
