i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
