Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
