I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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