Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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