Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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